All the Dad Jokes

Dad-A-Base

of jokes

A bartender broke up with her boyfriend. He kept asking her for another shot.
He kept asking her for another shot

A beekeeper was indicted after he confessed to years of stealing at work.
...
They charged him with emBEEzlement.

A book just fell on my head.
...
I only have my shelf to blame.

A boy dug three holes in the yard.
...
When his mother saw, she exclaimed: "well, well, well"

A dad washes his car with his son.
...
After a while, the son says, "why can't you just use a sponge?"

A doll was recently found dead in a rice paddy.
...
It's the only known instance of a nick nack paddy wack.

A duck walks into a pharmacy.
...
The duck says "Give me some chap-stick� and put it on my bill."

A farmer had 297 cows.
...
When he rounded them up, he found he had 300.

A ghost walks into a bar and asks for a glass of vodka.
...
The bar tender says, "sorry we don't serve spirits"

A girl once asked me what my heart desired.
...
Apparently blood, oxygen and neural messages were all wrong answers.

A guy told me today he did not know what cloning was.
Oh?
I told him, "that makes 2 of us."

A horse walks into a bar.
...
The bar tender asks, "Why the long face?"

A horse walks into a bar.
...
The bar tender says "Hey."
...
The horse says "Sure."

A magician was driving down the street.
...
Suddenly he turned into a driveway.

A man got hit in the face with a ball.
...
He was alright because it was a softball.

A man got hit in the head with a can of Coke.
...
He was alright because it was a soft drink.

A man tried to sell me a coffin today.
...
I told him that's the last thing I need.

A man walked in to a bar with some asphalt on his arm.
...
He said, "Two beers please, one for me and one for the road."

A man walks into a bar and orders helicopter flavor chips.
...
The barman replies "sorry mate we only do plain"

A man was arrested for killing a cow in a rice field using only 2 small porcelain figures.
...
Police say this may be the first known case of a Knick-knack paddy whack.

A man was caught stealing in a supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of a couple of vampires.
...
He was charged with shoplifting on two counts.

A neutron walks into a bar and asks how much for a beer. The bartender replies, 'For you, no charge.'

A pair of cows were talking in the field. One says, "Have you heard about the mad cow disease that's going around?" "Yeah," the other cow says. "Makes me glad I'm a penguin."

A panda walks into a bar and says to the bartender "I'll have a Scotch and . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Coke thank you". "Sure thing," the bartender replies and asks "but what's with the big pause?" The panda holds up his hands and says "I was born with them."
...
The panda holds up his hands and says "I was born with them."

A police officer caught two kids playing with a firework and a car battery.
...
He charged one and let the other one off.

A quick shoutout to all of the sidewalks out there.
...
Thanks for keeping me off the streets.

A red and a blue ship have just collided in the Caribbean.
...
Apparently the survivors are marooned.

A sandwich walks into a bar and orders a beer.
...
Bartender says "sorry, we don't serve food here."

A skeleton walks into a bar and says, 'Hey, bartender. I'll have one beer and a mop.'

A termite walks into a bar.
...
It asks "Is the bar tender here?"

A weasel walks into a bar.
...
The bartender says, "Wow, I've never served a weasel before. What can I get for you?"
...
Pop, goes the weasel.

A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection.
...
Judge asks, "First offender?" She says, "No, first a Gibson! Then a Fender!"

Americans can't switch from pounds to kilograms overnight.
...
That would cause mass confusion.

An apple a day keeps the bullies away.
...
If you throw it hard enough.

As I get older, I think of all the people I lost along the way.
...
Maybe a career as a tour guide wasn't such a good idea.

Astronomers got tired watching the moon go around the earth for 24 hours.
What did they do?
They decided to call it a day.

At the boxing match, the dad got into the popcorn line and the line for hot dogs.
...
But he wanted to stay out of the punchline.

Bad at golf?
Yes.
Join the club.

Ben & Jerry's really need to improve their operation.
...
The only way to get there is down a rocky road.

Bigfoot is sometimes confused with Sasquatch. Yeti never complains.

Bought a new jacket suit the other day and it burst into flames.
...
It was a blazer.

Breaking news! Energizer Bunny arrested.
...
He was charged with battery.

Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building?
No.
Of course. The Empire State Building can't jump.

Can February March?
Can it?
No, but April May!

Can people actually see Wonder Woman when she's inside her invisible airplane?
Can they?
It's not too clear.

Chuck Norris breathes air. Five times a day.
Five times a day.

Chuck Norris doesn't read books.
...
He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer.
...
Too bad he has never cried.

Coffee has a tough time at my house.
Why?
Every morning it gets mugged.

Cosmetic surgery used to be such a taboo subject.
...
Now you can talk about Botox and nobody raises an eyebrow.

Did I tell you about my new job at the travel agency?
No.
It's really going places.

Did you hear about Frankenstein entering a bodybuilding competition?
No?
He has seriously misunderstood the objective.

Did you hear about my limbo trophy being stolen?
No?
How low can you go?

Did you hear about my wedding?
No?
It was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers.

Did you hear about past, present and future waling in to a bar?
No?
It was tense.

Did you hear about the boiled water?
No?
It will be mist.

Did you hear about the bread factory burning down?
No?
They say the business is toast.

Did you hear about the campsite that got visited by Bigfoot?
No?
It got in tents.

Did you hear about the chameleon who couldn't change color?
No?
They had a reptile dysfunction.

Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in France?
No?
There was nothing left but de Brie.

Did you hear about the cheese who saved the world?
No?
It was Legend-dairy!

Did you hear about the circus fire?
No?
It was in tents.

Did you hear about the comedian who told one too many light bulb jokes?
No?
They burnt out.

Did you hear about the cow who jumped over the barbed wire fence?
No?
It was udder destruction.

Did you hear about the dermatologists?
No?
She spent all day making rash decisions.

Did you hear about the dog adopted from a blacksmith?
No?
As soon as they got him home he made a bolt for the door.

Did you hear about the guy who attach two pieces of wood together?
No?
He totally nailed it!

Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers?
No?
They say he made a mint.

Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off?
No?
He's all right now.

Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?
No?
It's fine, he woke up.

Did you hear about the man studying to be a surgeon?
No?
I hope he makes the cut.

Did you hear about the man who accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink?
No?
He is a hospital, waiting to be seen.

Did you hear about the man who accidentally took his cats meds?
No?
Don't ask meow.

Did you hear about the man who slept like a log.
No?
He woke up in the fireplace.

Did you hear about the man with sea sickness?
No?
It comes in waves.

Did you hear about the man with the sore throat?
No?
It's a real pain in the neck.

Did you hear about the Mexican train killer?
No?
He had loco motives.

Did you hear about the new ground-breaking invention?
No?
It's a shovel.

Did you hear about the new restaurant on the moon?
No?
The food is great, but there's just no atmosphere.

Did you hear about the runner who was criticized?
No?
He just took it in stride.

Did you hear about the school for liars?
No?
They have double-crossing guards!

Did you hear about the scientist who was lab partners with a pot of boiling water?
No?
He had a very esteemed colleague.

Did you hear about the study on forks?
No?
It's about tine!

Did you hear about the submarine industry?
No?
It really took a dive.

Did you hear about the superhero who's always working out?
No?
He's Thor.

Did you hear about the tropical fruit diet?
No?
It is enough to make a mango crazy.

Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
No?
They each got six months.

Did you hear about the witch's new gingerbread sweet shop?
No?
It's great! All the candy is on the house.

Did you hear about the woman who is reading a book on the history of glue?
No?
She can't put it down.

Did you hear that Batman and Superman are splitting off and forming their own team?
No?
They call themselves 'Just Us League'.

Did you hear that David lost his ID in Prague?
No?
Now we just have to call him Dav.

Did you hear that the police have a warrant out on a midget psychic ripping people off?
No?
It reads "Small medium at large."

Did you hear the joke about the wandering nun?
No?
She was a roman catholic.

Did you hear the news? FedEx and UPS are merging.
No?
They're going to go by the name Fed-Up from now on.

Did you hear the one about the flying cows?
No?
It was a complete and udder lie.

Did you hear the one about the giant pickle?
No?
He was kind of a big dill.

Did you hear the one about the guy with the broken hearing aid?
No?
Neither did he.

Did you hear the rumor about butter?
No?
Well, I'm not going to spread it!

Did you hear they arrested the devil?
No?
They got him on possession.

Did you hear they tried to make a diamond shaped like a duck?
No?
It quacked under the pressure.

Did you her about the new documentary about beavers?
No?
It's the best damn program I've ever seen.

Did you here there's a new type of broom out.
No?
It's sweeping the nation.

Did you know Albert Einstein was a real person?
Yes?
All this time, I thought he was just a theoretical physicist!

Did you know crocodiles could grow up to 15 feet?
No?
But most just have 4.

Did you know it takes three sheep to make one sweater?
No?
Me neither. I didn't even know they could knit!

Did you know parallel lines have so much in common?
No?
It's a shame they'll never meet.

Did you know some people eat light bulbs?
No?
They say it's a nice light snack.

Did you know that milk is also the fastest liquid on earth?
No?
It's pasteurized before you even see it?

Did you know that new atoms frequently lose electrons?
No?
Yeah, they fail to keep an ion them.

Did you know that pie is $2.50 in Jamaica and $3.00 in The Bahamas?
No?
Those are the pie-rates of the Caribbean.

Did you know that protons have mass?
Yes?
I didn't even know they were catholic.

Did you know the first French fries weren't actually cooked in France?
Yes?
They were cooked in Greece.

Did you see the new shopping center?
No.
Chances are if you' ve seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.

Do ya know what it was like living in the Stone Age?
No?
It was really hard.

Do you know what ghosts call their true love?
No?
Their ghoul-friend.

Do you know what the best seasoning for a roast?
No?
Pepper, but take it with a grain of salt.

Do you know what the great thing about stationery shops is?
No?
They're always in the same place.

Do you know what time on a clock is hands down the best time?
No?
6:30.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk?
No.
The stock market.

Do you know why I really love my furniture?
No?
It's because me and my recliner go way back.

Do you like Roman numerals?
Yes?
ME II.

Do you think it's going to snow this winter
I don't know.
Me neither, its all up in the air.

Do you want a brief explanation of what an acorn is?
Sure.
In a nutshell, it's an oak tree.

Do you want the hear a pun about cows?
Yes.
Never mind, it's kinda offensive and I don't want there to be any beef between us.

Does Netflix have Batman Forever?
Does it?
Nah. Just until the end of the year.

Dogs can't operate MRI machines.
?
But catscan.

Don't buy flowers at a monastery.
Why?
Because only you can prevent florist friars.

Don't interrupt someone working intently on a puzzle.
Why?
Chances are, you'll hear some crosswords.

Don't tell secrets in corn fields.
Why?
Too many ears around.

Egyptians claimed to invent the guitar.
Yeah?
They were such lyres.

Ever wondered why bees hum?
Yeah?
It's because they don't know the words.

Every machine in the coin factory broke down all of a sudden without explanation.
Oh?
It just doesn't make any cents.

Every morning when I go out, I get hit by bicycle.
Every morning?
Yeah, it's a vicious cycle.

For Valentine's day, I decided to get my wife some beads for an abacus.
Yeah?
It's the little things that count.

Got a new suit recently made entirely of living plants.
Ok?
I wasn't sure at first, but it's grown on me.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane?
No?
They mostly wrap.

Have you ever seen fruit preserves being made?
No?
It's jarring.

Have you heard about corduroy pillows?
No?
They're making headlines!

Have you heard about the chocolate record player?
No?
It sounds pretty sweet.

Have you heard about the new restaurant called Karma?
No?
There's no menu: You get what you deserve.

Have you heard about the owl sanctuary job opening?
No?
It's all night shifts but they're all a hoot over there.

Have you heard of Batman's brother, High-Hatman?
No?
He's a cymbal of justice.

Have you heard of the band 1023MB?
No?
They haven't got a gig yet.

Have you heard of the band Duvet?
No?
They're a cover band.

Have you heard the story about the magic tractor?
No?
It drove down the road and turned into a field.

Have you heard they're making a movie about clocks.
No?
It's about time.

Hold on, I have something in my shoe. I'm pretty sure it's a foot.
I'm pretty sure it's a foot.

How are false teeth like stars?
How?
They come out at night!

How can you make a dog disappear?
How?
Use spot remover.

How can you tell a vampire has a cold?
How?
They start coffin.

How can you tell an ant's gender?
How?
By putting it in water. If it sinks, girl ant. If it floats buoyant.

How can you tell if a tree is a dogwood tree?
How?
By its bark.

How can you tell is someone is good at sleeping?
How?
They can do it with their eyes closed.

How can you tell that the Swiss are confident in their chances of victory?
How?
They included a corkscrew in their army knife.

How did Ben Franklin feel after discovering electricity?
How?
Shocked!

How did Darth Vader know what Luke was getting him for Christmas?
How?
He felt his presents.

How did Professor X beat Magneto every time?
How?
With his head.

How did Sir Cumference get so big?
How?
From eating too much pi.

How did Supergirl fix a broken bridge?
How?
With a huge amount of Super Glue.

How did the barber win the race?
How?
He took a short cut.

How did the candle fall in love?
How?
She met her perfect match!

How did the computer user break out of prison?
How?
With the escape key!

How did the egg cross the road?
How?
It scrambled across!

How did the flower do on its tests?
How?
It got all bees!

How did the hipster burn the roof of his mouth?
How?
He ate the pizza before it was cool.

How do aliens harvest their crops?
How?
With tractor beams.

How do Ant Man and the Wasp get around?
How?
They ride the Buzz.

How do celebrities stay cool?
How?
By staying close to their fans.

How do hens stay fit?
How?
They always egg-cercise!

How do lawyers say goodbye?
How?
We'll be suing ya!

How do locomotives know where they're going?
How?
Lots of training.

How do lumberjacks work from home?
How?
They log in.

How do pigs talk to each other?
How?
Swine language!

How do robots eat guacamole?
How?
With computer chips.

How do the trees get on the internet?
How?
They log on.

How do you cook an alligator?
How?
With a Crock-Pot.

How do you fit more pigs on a farm?
How?
Build a sty scraper.

How do you fix a broken pizza?
How?
With tomato paste.

How do you fix a damaged jack-o-lantern?
How?
You use a pumpkin patch.

How do you follow Will Smith in the snow?
How?
You follow the fresh prints.

How do you get a country girl's attention?
How?
A tractor.

How do you get a good price on a sled?
How?
You have toboggan.

How do you get a squirrel to like you?
How?
Act like a nut.

How do you get two whales in a car?
How?
Start in England and drive West.

How do you know if there's an elephant under your bed?
How?
Your head hits the ceiling!

How do you make a 'one' disappear?
How?
You add a 'g' and it's 'gone'.

How do you make a hankie dance?
How?
Put a little boogie in it.

How do you make a milkshake?
How?
By sticking a cow in the freezer.

How do you make a water bed more bouncy?
How?
You use spring water.

How do you make holy water?
How?
You boil the hell out of it.

How do you make your mom cry?
How?
Poker face.

How do you organize a space party?
How?
You planet.

How do you put a baby alien to sleep?
How?
You rocket.

How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
How?
Bring out the doggy paddle.

How do you steal a coat?
How?
You jacket.

How do you teach a kid to climb stairs?
How?
There is a step by step guide.

How does a dyslexic poet write?
How?
Inverse.

How does a French skeleton say hello?
How?
Bone-jour.

How does a penguin build his house?
How?
Igloos it together.

How does a scientist freshen their breath?
How?
With experi-mints!

How does Ant Man keep his suit wrinkle free?
How?
With help from Iron Man.

How does Batboy become Batman?
How?
He has a Bat-Mitzvah.

How does Batman like his coffee?
How?
Black as night.

How does Batman take care of Poison Ivy?
How?
Ointment.

How does Darth Vader like his toast?
How?
On the dark side.

How does Superman always get out of dangerous situations?
How?
He always has an S cape.

How does the moon cut his hair?
How?
Eclipse it.

How long did it take the man to eat a clock?
How long?
Not sure of the exact time, but it was very time consuming.

How many apples grow on a tree?
How many?
All of them!

How many biologists does it take to change a light bulb?
How many?
Four. One to change it and three to write the environmental-impact statement.

How many bones are in the human hand?
How many?
A handful of them.

How many caped crusaders does it take to change a lightbulb?
How many?
None. They like it dark.

How many days does it take for a Scout to screw in a lightbulb?
How many?
A lot, because they only do one Good Turn a day.

How many hipsters does it take to change a lightbulb?
How many?
Oh, it's a really obscure number. You've probably never heard of it.

How many kids with ADD does it take to change a lightbulb?
How many?
Let's go ride bikes!

How many optometrists does it take to change a light bulb?
How?
1 or 2? 1... or 2?

How many seconds are in a year?
How many?
12. January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd, April 2nd.... etc

How many South Americans does it take to change a lightbulb?
How many?
A Brazilian

How many telemarketers does it take to change a light bulb?
How many?
Only one, but he has to do it while you are eating dinner.

How many tickles does it take to tickle an octopus?
How many?
Ten-tickles!

How much does a hipster weigh?
How much?
An instagram.

How often does Superman need to save the planet?
How?
Daily.

How was it decided that Wolverine is the best X-Men character?
How?
It was decided Hughnanimously.

How was the light bulb invented?
How?
It all started with a bright idea.

How was the snow globe feeling after the storm?
How?
A little shaken.

I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
Oh?
The doctor says I'm okay, but I feel like I've dyed a little inside.

I am terrified of elevators.
Why?
Not sure, but I'm going to start taking steps to avoid them.

I asked my dog what's two minus two.
?
He said nothing.

I could tell a joke about pizza.
?
But it's a little cheesy.

I don't play soccer because I enjoy the sport.
?
I'm just doing it for kicks!

I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.
They're always up to something.

I don't trust sushi.
Why?
There's something fishy about it.

I don't trust trees.
?
They seem kind of shady.

I find it hard to trust mermaids.
?
There's something a little fishy about them.

I had an eye-opening experience.
Ok?
It was waking up this morning.

I hate camping.
Why?
It's too intense.

I like whiteboards.
Why?
They are remarkable.

I lost my job at the bank on my first day.
Why?
A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.

I love reversing the car. Ah, it takes me back.
Ah, it takes me back.

I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker, but when I got home, all the signs were there.
When I got home, all the signs were there.

I only know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don't know y.
I don't know y.

I signed up for a marathon. How will I know if it's the real deal or just a run through?
but how will I know if it's the real deal or just a run through?

I suspect, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
...
The plot thickens.

I thought the dryer was shrinking my clothes. Turns out it was the refrigerator all along.
Turns out it was the refrigerator all along.

I told my doctor I heard buzzing. He said it's just a bug going around.
But he said it's just a bug going around.

I told the doctor that I had broken my arm in several places. He said not to go to those places.
He said not to go to those places.

I told the doctor that I'm addicted to Twitter.
Oh?
He said he didn't follow me.

I took a job as an archaeologist.
...
My career is in ruins.

I used to hate facial hair.
?
But then it grew on me.

I was asked to put the cat out. I did it even though it wasn't on fire.
I did it even though it wasn't on fire.

I was going to tell a time-traveling joke.
?
But you guys didn't like it.

I was reading a book on helium. I couldn't put it down.

I went to the zoo the other day, there was only one dog in it.
Oh?
It was a shitzu.

I wouldn't buy anything with velcro.
?
It's a total rip-off.

I'm afraid for the calendar. Its days are numbered.

I'm feeling pretty proud of myself.
Why?
The puzzle I bought said 3-5 years, but I finished it in 18 months.

I've been thinking about taking up meditation.
?
I figure it's better than sitting around doing nothing.

I've got this disease where I can't stop making airport puns.
Oh?
The doctor says it terminal.

If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?
What?
Pilgrims.

If athletes get athlete's foot, what do elves get?
What?
Mistle-toes.

If humans lose the ability to hear high frequency volumes as they get older, can my 4 week old son hear a dog whistle?
I don't know.
Trick question... dogs can't whistle.

If Iron man was a potato, what would he be called?
What?
Tony Starch

If paper beats rock, rock beats scissors, and scissors beats paper, what beats all 3 at the same time?
What?
Chuck Norris.

If Thanos, Iron Man and Hulk created a group chat, what would it be called?
What?
Snapchat.

If X-Men rebelled against Professor X, what would be called?
What?
It'd be called Mutanty.

If you are cold, you should stand in the corner.
Why?
I hear it's 90 degrees.

If you see a crime happen at the Apple store, what does it make you?
What?
An iWitness.

If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.
Forever

Imagine you're inside a box. How do you get out?
How?
Stop imagining!

In the Beginning there was nothing. Then Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked nothing and told it to get a job.
Then Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked nothing and told it to get a job.

Is there a hole in your shoe?
No.
Then how'd you get your foot in it?

Is this pool safe for diving?
No?
It deep ends.

It was raining cats and dogs the other day. I almost stepped in a poodle.
I almost stepped in a poodle.

It's inappropriate to make a 'dad joke' if you're not a dad.
Why?
It's a faux pa.

Knock, Knock.
Who's there?
A herd
A herd who?
A herd you were home, so here I am!

Knock, Knock.
Who's there?
A little old lady
A little old lady who?
Hey, you can yodel!

Knock, Knock.
Who's there?
Abbot
Abbot who?
Abbot you don't know who this is!

Knock, Knock.
Who's there?
Abby
Abby who?
Abby birthday to you!

Knock, Knock.
Who's there?
Adore
Adore who?
Adore is between us, so open it!

Knock, Knock.
Who's there?
Aida
Aida who?
Aida sandwich for lunch today.

Knock, Knock.
Who's there?
Al
Al who?
Al give you a hug if you open this door!

Knock, Knock.
Who's there?
Alex
Alex who?
Alex-plain later!

Knock, Knock.
Who's there?
Alfie
Alfie who?
Alfie terrible if you don't let me in!

Knock, Knock.
Who's there?
Alice
Alice who?
Alice fair in love and war.

Knock, Knock.
Who's there?
Alien
Alien who?
Um, how many aliens do you know?

Knock, Knock.
Who's there?
Althea
Althea who?
Althea later alligator!

Knock, Knock.
Who's there?
Amanda
Amanda who?
A man da fix your door!

Knock, Knock.
Who's there?
Amarillo
Amarillo who?
Amarillo nice person.

Knock, Knock.
Who's there?
Amish
Amish who?
You're not a shoe!

Knock, Knock.
Who's there?
Amos
Amos who?
A mosquito. Look, right there!

Knock, Knock.
Who's there?
Andrew
Andrew who?
Andrew a picture!

Knock, Knock.
Who's there?
Anee
Anee who?
Anee one you like!

Knock, Knock.
Who's there?
Anita
Anita who?
Let me in! Anita borrow something.

Knock, Knock.
Who's there?
Annie
Annie who?
Annie thing you can do, I can do too!

Knock, Knock.
Who's there?
Annie
Annie who?
Annie way you can let me in?

Knock, Knock.
Who's there?
Arfur
Arfur who?
Arfur got!

Knock, Knock.
Who's there?
Armageddon
Armageddon who?
Armageddon a little bored. Let's go out.

Knock, Knock.
Who's there?
Avenue
Avenue who?
Avenue knocked on this door before?

Knock, Knock.
Who's there?
Ben
Ben who?
Ben knocking for 10 minutes!

Knock, Knock.
Who's there?
Boo
Boo who?
Don't cry, it's just a joke.

Knock, Knock.
Who's there?
Candice
Candice who?
Candice snack be eaten?

Knock, Knock.
Who's there?
Canoe
Canoe who?
Canoe help me get inside?

Knock, Knock.
Who's there?
Canoe
Canoe who?
Canoe come out now?

Knock, Knock.
Who's there?
Cash
Cash who?
Nah, I'm more into almonds.

Knock, Knock.
Who's there?
CD
CD who?
CD person on your doorstep?

Knock, Knock.
Who's there?
Cher
Cher who?
Cher would be nice if you opened the door!

Knock, Knock.
Who's there?
Claire
Claire who?
Claire a path, I'm coming through!

Knock, Knock.
Who's there?
Cow says
Cow says who?
No, a cow says mooooo!

Knock, Knock.
Who's there?
Dishes
Dishes who?
Dish is a nice place!

Knock, Knock.
Who's there?
Docter
Docter who?
No, Docter Strange.

Knock, Knock.
Who's there?
Dozen
Dozen who?
Dozen anybody want to let me in?

Knock, Knock.
Who's there?
Dwayne
Dwayne who?
Dwayne the tub, I'm dwowning.

Knock, Knock.
Who's there?
Dwayne
Dwayne who?
Dwayne the sink. I need to use it!

Knock, Knock.
Who's there?
Etch
Etch who?
Bless you!

Knock, Knock.
Who's there?
Euripides
Euripides who?
Euripides clothes, you pay for them!

Knock, Knock.
Who's there?
Figs
Figs who?
Figs the doorbell, it's not working!

Knock, Knock.
Who's there?
Hal
Hal who?
Hal will you know if you don't open the door?

Knock, Knock.
Who's there?
Harry
Harry who?
Harry up, it's cold outside!

Knock, Knock.
Who's there?
Hawaii
Hawaii who?
I'm good. Hawaii you?

Knock, Knock.
Who's there?
Honey bee
Honey bee who?
Honey bee a dear and get that for me please!

Knock, Knock.
Who's there?
I am
I am who?
Wait, you don't know who you are?

Knock, Knock.
Who's there?
Ice cream
Ice cream who?
Ice cream if you don't give me some candy!

Knock, Knock.
Who's there?
Icy
Icy who?
Icy you looking at me!

Knock, Knock.
Who's there?
Imma
Imma who?
Imma getting older waiting for you to open up!

Knock, Knock.
Who's there?
Impatient cow
Impatient cow who?
Mooooo!

Knock, Knock.
Who's there?
Iona
Iona who?
Iona new toy!

Knock, Knock.
Who's there?
Iran
Iran who?
Iran here. I'm tired!

Knock, Knock.
Who's there?
Isabel
Isabel who?
Isabel working?

Knock, Knock.
Who's there?
Ivor
Ivor who?
Ivor you let me in or I'll climb through the window.

Knock, Knock.
Who's there?
Justin
Justin who?
Justin time for dinner.

Knock, Knock.
Who's there?
Ketchup
Ketchup who?
Ketchup with me and I'll tell you!

Knock, Knock.
Who's there?
Kirtch
Kirtch who?
God bless you!

Knock, Knock.
Who's there?
Leaf
Leaf who?
Leaf me alone!

Knock, Knock.
Who's there?
Lettuce
Lettuce who?
Lettuce in, it's cold out here!

Knock, Knock.
Who's there?
Luke
Luke who?
Luke through the peep hole and find out.

Knock, Knock.
Who's there?
Mary
Mary who?
Mary Christmas!

Knock, Knock.
Who's there?
Mustache
Mustache who?
I mustache you a question.

Knock, Knock.
Who's there?
Nana
Nana who?
Nana your business!

Knock, Knock.
Who's there?
Needle
Needle who?
Needle little money please.

Knock, Knock.
Who's there?
Needle
Needle who?
Needle little help right now!

Knock, Knock.
Who's there?
Noah
Noah who?
Noah good place we can go hang out?

Knock, Knock.
Who's there?
Nobel
Nobel who?
Nobel...that's why I knocked!

Knock, Knock.
Who's there?
Norma Lee
Norma Lee who?
Norma Lee I don't knock on random doors, but I had to meet you!

Knock, Knock.
Who's there?
Olive
Olive who?
Olive you.

Knock, Knock.
Who's there?
Orange
Orange who?
Orange you going to let me in?

Knock, Knock.
Who's there?
Otto
Otto who?
Otto know. I forgot.

Knock, Knock.
Who's there?
Police
Police who?
Police let me in, it's chilly out!

Knock, Knock.
Who's there?
Razor
Razor who?
Razor hands, this is a stick up!

Knock, Knock.
Who's there?
Roach
Roach who?
Roach you a text. Did you get it?

Knock, Knock.
Who's there?
Robin
Robin who?
Robin you. Give me your money!

Knock, Knock.
Who's there?
Sadie
Sadie who?
Sadie magic word and I'll come in!

Knock, Knock.
Who's there?
Sadie
Sadie who?
Sadie Pledge of Allegiance. It's the Fourth of July!

Knock, Knock.
Who's there?
Says
Says who?
Says me!

Knock, Knock.
Who's there?
Scold
Scold who?
Scold enough out here to go ice skating!

Knock, Knock.
Who's there?
Snow
Snow who?
Snow use. The joke is over.

Knock, Knock.
Who's there?
Some
Some who?
Maybe some day you'll recognize me!

Knock, Knock.
Who's there?
Spell
Spell who?
W. H. O.

Knock, Knock.
Who's there?
Stopwatch
Stopwatch who?
Stopwatch you're doing and let me in!

Knock, Knock.
Who's there?
Tank
Tank who?
You're welcome.

Knock, Knock.
Who's there?
Theodore
Theodore who?
Theodore is stuck. Open up!

Knock, Knock.
Who's there?
Thermos
Thermos who?
Thermos be a better way to get to you.

Knock, Knock.
Who's there?
To
To who?
Actually, it's to whom.

Knock, Knock.
Who's there?
Two knee
Two knee who?
Two-knee fish!

Knock, Knock.
Who's there?
Viper
Viper who?
Viper nose, it's running!

Knock, Knock.
Who's there?
Voodoo
Voodoo who?
Voodoo you think you are?

Knock, Knock.
Who's there?
Water
Water who?
Water you doing telling jokes right now? Don't you have things to do?

Knock, Knock.
Who's there?
Watson
Watson who?
Watson TV right now?

Knock, Knock.
Who's there?
Who
Who who?
I didn't know you were an owl!

Knock, Knock.
Who's there?
Woo
Woo who?
Don't get so excited-it's just a joke.

Knock, Knock.
Who's there?
Yukon
Yukon who?
Yukon say that again!

Mahatma Gandhi walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

My boss told me that he was going to fire the person with the worst posture. I have a hunch, it might be me.
I have a hunch, it might be me.

My boss told me to have a good day.
?
So I went home.

My dad died because he couldn't remember his blood type.
Oh?
I will never forget his last words. Be positive.

My Dog has no nose.
How does he smell?
Awful.

My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot. It got so bad I had to take his bike away.

My first time using an elevator was an uplifting experience. The second time let me down.
The second time let me down.

My friend said I'm starting to annoy her because I relate everything to Batman.
?
What a joker.

My new thesaurus is terrible.
Oh?
In fact, it's so bad, I'd say it's terrible.

My sister bet me $15 that I couldn't build a car out of spaghetti. You should have seen the look on her face as I drove pasta.
You should have seen the look on her face as I drove pasta.

My uncle was crushed by a piano.
?
His funeral was very low key.

My wife asked me to go get 6 cans of Sprite from the grocery store.
?
I realized when I got home that I had picked 7 up.

My wife asked me to stop singing "Wonderwall" to her.
?
I said maybe?

My wife said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.

My wife told me she was pregnant and she wanted to go to a baby doctor.
Oh?
I told her I'd be a lot more comfortable going to an adult doctor.

Never take advice from electrons.
Why?
They are always negative.

Never Trust Someone With Graph Paper.
Why?
They're always plotting something.

Shout out to my grandma.
...
That's the only way she can hear.

Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth.
?
Then it's a soap opera.

Sixteen sodium atoms walk into a bar followed by Batman.

Some people say that I never got over my obsession with Phil Collins.
...
But take a look at me now.

Some people say that I never got over my obsession with Phil Collins.
Oh?
But take a look at me now.

Somebody stole my Microsoft Office.
Oh?
They're going to pay - you have my Word.

Someone asked me to name two structures that hold water.
Yeah?
I said "Well, dam."

Someone asked me, what's the ninth letter of the alphabet.
...
It was a complete guess, but I was right.

Someone told me that I should write a book.
?
I said, "That's a novel concept."

Sometimes I get the urge to sing the Lion King song.
Yeah?
It's just a whim away.

Sometimes I tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward.
...
That's just how I roll.

Stop looking for the perfect match.
Why?
Use a lighter.

Sundays are always a little sad.
Why?
But the day before is a sadder day.

The dinosaurs looked at Chuck Norris the wrong way once and you know what happened to them.
You know what happened to them.

The other day I was listening to a song about superglue.
Yeah?
It's been stuck in my head ever since.

The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick.
Oh?
She still isn't talking to me.

The word queue is ironic.
Why?
It's just q with a bunch of silent letters waiting in line.

There are two muffins baking in the oven. One muffin says to the other, "Phew, is it getting hot in here or is it just me?" The other muffin says ""AAAAHHH!! A TALKING MUFFIN!"

There are two types of people in this world.
...
those who can extrapolate from incomplete data...

There's not really any training for garbagemen.
Oh?
They just pick things up as they go.

They laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian.
Yeah?
They're not laughing now.

They say Dodger Stadium can hold up to fifty-six thousand people.
Yeah?
It is just a ballpark figure.

This furniture store keeps emailing me.
Ok?
All I wanted was one night stand!

This is my step ladder.
Oh?
I never knew my real ladder.

This morning I was wondering where the sun was.
...
but then it dawned on me.

Thor's brother was invited to a seminar on how to become a famous celebrity, but he turned them down.
Why?
He wanted to stay Loki.

Thor, Loki, and Odin walked into a bar.
?
I ducked.

Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Chuck Norris.
Unless that man is Chuck Norris.

To the guy who invented zero.
...
Thanks for nothing.

To the person who stole my anti-depressant pills.
...
I hope you're happy now.

Today a girl said she recognized me from vegetarian club, but I'm sure I've never met herbivore.
but I'm sure I've never met herbivore.

Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.
I gave him a glass of water.

Two eggs, a bagel, and a sausage walk into a bar. "Bartender, my friends and I would like a cold one," says one of the eggs. "Sorry," the barman replies. "We don't serve breakfast."

Two goldfish are in a tank.
?
One says to the other, "Do you know how to drive this thing?"

Two guys walked into a bar.
?
The third guy ducked.

Two parrots are sitting on a perch.
What?
One turns to the other and asks, "do you smell fish?"

Two peanuts were walking down the street. One was a salted.
One was a salted.

Two satellites decided to get married.
Yeah?
The wedding wasn't much, but the reception was incredible.

Two silk worms had a race.
...
They ended up in a tie.

Wanna hear a joke about paper?
Yes.
Never mind?it's tearable.

Want to hear a chimney joke?
Yes?
Got stacks of em! First one's on the house.

Want to hear a frightening statistic?
Sure?
People saying 'boo! to their friends has risen by 85% in the last year.

Want to hear a joke about construction?
Yes.
I'm still working on it.

Want to hear a steak pun.
Yes.
Never mind, it's a rare medium well done.

Want to hear an animal act?
Sure?
Most bobcats are not named bob.

Want to hear some sagely advice?
Sure?
Rub herbs on the meat for better flavor.

Want to know what I told my wife after she said I was immature?
Sure?
I told her to get out of my fort.

Want to know what my New Years resolution is?
Sure?
It's to stop leaving things so late.

Want to know why nurses like red crayons?
Yes.
Sometimes they have to draw blood.

We all know where the Big Apple is.
...
but does anyone know where the Minneapolis?

What animal doesn't deserve straight A's in school?
Which one?
A cheetah!

What animal is always at a game of cricket?
What?
A bat.

What are math buddies called?
What?
Alge-bros!

What are the strongest days of the week?
What?
Saturday and Sunday...the rest are weekdays.

What band performed at The Hulk's birthday?
Which one?
Green Day.

What bird is Aquaman's favorite?
Which one?
Sea-gulls.

What biscuit does a short person like?
What?
Shortbread.

What brand of rice does Spider-Man eat?
Which one?
Uncle Ben's.

What cheese can never be yours?
What?
Nacho cheese.

What color is Aquaman's favorite?
Which one?
Aquamarine.

What concert costs only 45 cents?
What?
50 cent featuring Nickelback.

What creature is smarter than a talking parrot?
What?
A spelling bee.

What critter is always seen?
What?
The spotted skunk!

What dairy hurts you the most?
What?
Sharp cheddar.

What did Alfred say when he saw that Batman couldn't fit in his utility belt anymore?
What?
He said, "What a waist!".

What did Ant Man name his band?
What?
Avengers Ensemble.

What did Baby Corn say to Mama Corn?
What?
Where's Pop Corn?

What did Batgirl wear to the superhero ball?
What?
Her Dark Knight gown.

What did Batman do when he went shopping?
What?
Got ham.

What did Batman say after he did his shopping?
What?
Got ham.

What did Batman say to Robin before they got in the Batmobile?
What?
Get in the Batmobile, Robin.

What did Bruce Wayne's mom hang over his crib when he was a baby?
What?
A bat mobile.

What did celery say when he broke up with his girlfriend?
What?
She wasn't right for me, so I really don't carrot all.

What did Michael Jackson name his denim store?
What?
Billy Jeans!

What did Mr. Fantastic say to the Human Torch?
What?
He said, "fire away".

What did one gingerbread man say after all the others were eaten?
What?
It's hard to bake new friends.

What did one hat say to the other?
What?
Stay here! I'm going on ahead.

What did one nut say as he chased another nut?
What?
I'm a cashew!

What did one plate say to the other plate?
What?
Dinner is on me!

What did one snowman say to the other?
What?
Do you smell carrots?

What did one tectonic plate say to the other?
What?
Sorry, my fault.

What did one wall say to the other?
What?
I'll meet you at the corner.

What did Romans use to cut pizza before the rolling cutter was invented?
What?
Lil Caesars.

What did Superman's dad say after everyone thanked him for saving their planet?
What?
He said, "Jor-El Come".

What did Tennessee?
What?
The same thing as Arkansas.

What did the accountant say while auditing a document?
What?
This is taxing.

What did the alien say to the measuring cup?
What?
Take me to your liter.

What did the astronaut cook in his skillet?
What?
Unidentified frying objects!

What did the beaver say to the tree?
What?
It's been nice gnawing you.

What did the big flower say to the littler flower?
What?
Hi, bud!

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school?
What?
Bison.

What did the calculator say to the student?
What?
You can count on me.

What did the coffee report to the police?
What?
A mugging.

What did the cow tell the butcher?
What?
Please stop, or else we're gonna have some beef.

What did the digital clock say to the grandfather clock?
What?
Look, no hands!

What did the doctor say to the gingerbread man who broke his leg?
What?
Try icing it.

What did the dog say to the two trees?
What?
Bark bark.

What did the Dorito farmer say to the other Dorito farmer?
What?
Cool Ranch!

What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
What?
Anna One, Anna Two!

What did the farmer say when his dog stole corn?
what?
Aw, shucks.

What did the father tomato say to the baby tomato whilst on a family walk?
What?
Ketchup.

What did the fish say when he hit the wall?
What?
Dam.

What did the fish say when it swam into a wall?
What?
Dam!

What did the flowers do when the bride walked down the aisle?
What?
They rose.

What did the game system do when it lost?
What?
It went "Wii, Wii, Wii," all the way home.

What did the grape do when he got stepped on?
What?
He let out a little wine.

What did the green grape say to the purple grape?
What?
BREATH!!

What did the hat say to the scarf?
What?
You can hang around. I'll just go on ahead.

What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet?
What?
Supplies!

What did the judge say to the dentist?
What?
Do you swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth and nothing but the tooth?

What did the juicer say to the orange during self-quarantine?
What?
Can't wait to squeeze you!

What did the late tomato say to the early tomato?
What?
I'll ketch up.

What did the left eye say to the right eye?
What?
Between us, something smells!

What did the mountain climber name his son?
What?
Cliff.

What did the ocean say to the beach?
What?
Nothing, it just waved.

What did the ocean say to the beach?
What?
Thanks for all the sediment.

What did the ocean say to the oyster?
What?
What time do you open?

What did the piece of bread say to the knife?
What?
Butter me up.

What did the pig say while sitting in the hot sun?
What?
"Whew! I'm baking."

What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
What?
Aye Matey!

What did the police officer say to his belly-button?
What?
You're under a vest.

What did the scarf say to the hat?
What?
You go on ahead, I am going to hang around a bit longer.

What did the sea say to the sand?
What?
"We have to stop meeting like this."

What did the shy pebble wish for?
What?
That she was a little boulder.

What did the snowman say to the other after he returned from a skiing trip?
What?
It's snow good to be back!

What did the spaghetti say to the other spaghetti?
What?
Pasta la vista, baby!

What did the traffic light say to the car as it passed?
What?
"Don't look I'm changing!"

What did the two pieces of bread say on their wedding day?
What?
It was loaf at first sight.

What did the worm say to the other worm?
What?
I know where we can eat dirt cheap!

What did the Zen Buddist say to the hotdog vendor?
What?
Make me one with everything.

What did the zero say to the eight?
What?
That belt looks good on you.

What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?
What?
"HDMI."

What do witches say when they cast the wrong spell?
What?
Hex-cuse me!

What do a sunburned girl and a banana have in common?
What?
Neither likes peeling!

What do a tick and the Eiffel Tower have in common?
What?
They're both Paris sites.

What do Alexander the Great and Winnie the Pooh have in common?
What?
Same middle name.

What do all superheroes like to add to their juice?
What?
Just ice.

What do bees do after they are married?
What?
They go on a honeymoon.

What do birds give out on Halloween?
What?
Tweets.

What do birds speak?
What?
Fowl language!

What do cats use to keep their breath fresh?
What?
Mousewash!

What do clouds wear?
What?
Thunderwear.

What do computers and air conditioners have in common?
What?
They both become useless when you open windows.

What do dogs get flagged for in football?
What?
Roughing!

What do people call Mark Ruffalo on set when he's in a bad mood?
What?
Mark Rough Fellow.

What do pigs give on Feb. 14?
What?
Valen-swines!

What do prisoners use to call each other?
What?
Cell phones.

What do rabbits put on the backs of their cars?
What?
Thumper stickers!

What do snowmen say to each other when they meet?
What?
Ice to meet you!

What do tired computer programmers do?
What?
They go home and crash.

What do vegetarian zombies eat?
What?
Grrrrrainnnnnssss.

What do you call 26 letters that went for a swim?
What?
Alphawetical.

What do you call a bee that lives in America?
What?
A USB.

What do you call a bee who's having a bad hair day?
What?
A Fris-bee!

What do you call a beehive without the b's?
What?
An eehive.

What do you call a boomerang that won't come back?
What?
A stick.

What do you call a boy who stopped digging holes?
What?
Douglas.

What do you call a careful wolf?
What?
Aware wolf.

What do you call a country full of female deer?
What?
A donation.

What do you call a cow on a trampoline?
What?
A milk shake!

What do you call a cow with no legs?
What?
Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs?
What?
Lean beef.

What do you call a criminal going down the stairs?
What?
Condescending.

What do you call a crowd of chess players bragging about their wins in a hotel lobby?
What?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.

What do you call a dad that has fallen through the ice?
What?
A Popsicle.

What do you call a dictionary on drugs?
What?
High definition.

What do you call a dog that can do magic tricks?
What?
A labracadabrador.

What do you call a dominating Norse god?
What?
AuTHORitative.

What do you call a droid that takes the long way around?
What?
R2 detour.

What do you call a duck that gets all A's?
What?
A wise quacker.

What do you call a factory that makes okay products?
What?
A satisfactory.

What do you call a fake noodle?
What?
An impasta.

What do you call a fashionable lawn statue with an excellent sense of rhythmn?
What?
A metro-gnome.

What do you call a female snake?
What?
Misssssssss.

What do you call a fish wearing a bowtie?
What?
Sofishticated.

What do you call a fish without eyes?
What?
Fsh.

What do you call a fly without wings?
What?
A walk.

What do you call a funny mountain?
what?
Hill areas!

What do you call a girl between two posts?
What?
Annette.

What do you call a gorilla wearing headphones?
What?
Anything you'd like, it can't hear you.

What do you call a group of disorganized cats?
What?
A cat-tastrophe.

What do you call a group of killer whales playing instruments?
What?
An Orca-stra.

What do you call a guy lying on your doorstep?
What?
Matt.

What do you call a herd of cattle listening to a comedian?
What?
A laughing stock.

What do you call a hot dog on wheels?
What?
Fast food!

What do you call a magician who has lost their magic?
What?
Ian.

What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
What?
A babooooom!

What do you call a monkey that flies?
What?
A hot-air baboon.

What do you call a naughty lamb dressed up like a skeleton for Halloween?
What?
Baaad to the bone.

What do you call a nervous javelin thrower?
What?
Shakespeare.

What do you call a parrot that swallows an alarm clock?
What?
Polly ticks.

What do you call a parrot without food?
What?
A polynomial.

What do you call a pig playing tug-of-war?
What?
Pulled pork.

What do you call a pig that does karate?
What?
A pork chop.

What do you call a pig that's not fun to be around?
What?
A boar.

What do you call a pig with three eyes?
What?
Piiig.

What do you call a pile of cats?
What?
A Meowtain.

What do you call a poor Santa Claus?
What?
St. Nickel-less.

What do you call a pork-flavored breath freshener?
What?
A pigment.

What do you call a pudgy psychic?
What?
A four-chin teller.

What do you call a sad cow?
What?
Blue cheese.

What do you call a sheep with no legs?
What?
A cloud.

What do you call a smart duck?
What?
A wise quacker.

What do you call a smelly sheep?
What?
A p-ewe.

What do you call a snake who builds houses?
What?
A boa constructor!

What do you call a snowman with a six pack?
Whay?
An abdominal snowman.

What do you call a toothless bear?
What?
A gummy bear!

What do you call a tree doesn't understand why it was cut it down?
What?
Stumped?

What do you call a troublesome Canadian high schooler?
What?
A poutine.

What do you call an alien that lives in a bog?
What?
A marsh-in!

What do you call an alligator detective?
What?
An investi-gator!

What do you call an alligator in a vest?
What?
An in-vest-igator.

What do you call an Argentinian with a rubber toe?
What?
Roberto.

What do you call an atheist organization.
What?
Non-prophet.

What do you call an automobile filled with water?
What?
A car pool!

What do you call an eagle who can play the piano?
What?
Talonted!

What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter?
What?
An irrelephant.

What do you call an old snowman?
What?
Water.

What do you call cheese by itself?
What?
Provolone.

What do you call corn that joins the army?
What?
Kernel.

What do you call it when a giraffe swallows a toy jet?
What?
A plane in the neck.

What do you call it when a group of apes starts a company?
What?
Monkey business.

What do you call our 16th president, waiting to turn left at a red light?
What?
Abe Blinkin.

What do you call someone who is fed up with people?
What?
A cannibal.

What do you call someone with no body and no nose?
What?
Nobody knows.

What do you call two banana peels on the floor?
What?
A pair of slippers.

What do you call two barracuda fish?
What?
A Pairacuda!

What do you call two guys hanging out by your window?
What?
Kurt & Rod.

What do you call your friend who stands in a hole?
What?
Phil.

What do you do on a remote island?
What?
Try and find the TV island it belongs to.

What do you do when you see a space man?
What?
Park your car, man.

What do you do when your bunny gets wet
What?
You get your hare dryer.

What do you do with a sick chemist?
What?
If you can't helium, and you can't curium, then you might as well barium.

What do you get for a Batman who has everything?
What?
Bat friends.

What do you get hanging from Apple trees?
What?
Sore arms.

What do you get if you cross a pig and a frog?
What?
A ham-phibian!

What do you get if you cross a potato and a superhero?
What?
Spuderman.

What do you get if you cross a turkey with a ghost?
What?
A poultry-geist!

What do you get if you put a duck in a cement mixer?
What?
Quacks in the pavement.

What do you get when you bowl while eating fruit?
What?
A banana split!

What do you get when you combine Robin with a Vita-Mix?
What?
Robin the Boy Blender.

What do you get when you cross a bee and a sheep?
What?
A bah-humbug.

What do you get when you cross a chicken with a skunk?
What?
A fowl smell!

What do you get when you cross a fat pig and a squash?
What?
A plump-kin!

What do you get when you cross a horse and a pig?
What?
A neighbor.

What do you get when you cross a ninja with a squid?
What?
Disappearing ink!

What do you get when you cross a pig and a pineapple?
What?
A porky pine.

What do you get when you cross a pig with a cactus?
What?
A porcupine!

What do you get when you cross a pig with a pine tree?
What?
A pork-u-pine.

What do you get when you cross a rabbit with a water hose?
What?
Hare spray.

What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
What?
Frostbite!

What do you get when you cross an alien and something white and fluffy?
What?
A martian-mallow!

What do you get when you cross an octopus with a cat?
What?
An animal with eight arms and nine lives!

What do you get when you cross Batman with a Christmas tree?
What?
Spruce Wayne.

What do you get when you divide the circumference of a jack-o' lantern by its diameter?
What?
Pumpkin pi!

What do you get when you mix a pig and a dinosaur?
What?
Jurassic pork!

What do you give a sick lemon?
What?
Lemonaid.

What do you give a snake that has allergies?
What?
Anti-hiss-tamines.

What do you have when you have a bladder infection?
What?
Urine trouble.

What do you see flying around churches?
What?
Birds of pray.

What does "Rockin' Robin" do when she's bored?
What?
Tweet.

What does a clock do when it's hungry?
What?
It goes back four seconds!

What does a female snake use for support?
What?
A co-Bra!

What does a nosey pepper do?
What?
It gets jalapeno business.

What does a pirate pay for his corn?
What?
A buccaneer!

What does a sprinter eat before a race?
What?
Nothing, they fast!

What does an angry pepper do?
What?
It gets jalape�o face.

What does an Irish person and hangs from the ceiling?
What?
Sean D'Olier

What does Batman put in his whiskey?
What?
Just ice.

What does Cinderella wear to the beach?
What?
Glass flippers.

What does Iron Man cook with?
What?
He cooks with Pepper's pots.

What does Iron man eat every day for breakfast?
What?
He eats iron bran.

What does Superman like to drink the most?
What?
Fruit punch!

What does Superman use after a shower to dry off?
What?
A Tow-El.

What does Superman use to eat his cereal?
What?
A Superbowl

What don't watermelons get married?
What?
Because they cantaloupe.

What football team is Aquaman's favorite?
What?
The Miami Dolphins.

What game does Professor Xavier like the most?
What?
Sit n Spin.

What goes "Ha ha ha plop"?
What?
Someone laughing their head off!

What happened to the man who invented the knock-knock joke?
What?
He won the no bell prize!

What happened to the man who made a silent alarm clock?
What?
He won the Nobel Prize!

What happened when Quicksilver and the Flash met?
What?
They became friends fast.

What happens to a frog's car when it breaks down?
What?
It gets toad.

What happens when a cat gets sick?
What?
it's not feline well.

What happens when cows stop shaving?
What?
They grow moostaches.

What happens when Santa Claus gets stuck in a chimney?
What?
He gets Claustrophobia!

What happens when the Silver Surfer teams up with Iron Man?
What?
They become alloys.

What happens when you anger a brain surgeon?
What?
They will give you a piece of your mind.

What happens when you boil a funny bone?
What?
You get laughing stock?

What happens when you cross a sheep with a kangaroo?
What?
A woolly jumper!

What happens when you have a pig that knows martial arts?
What?
You get pork chops!

What has a bed that you can't sleep in?
What?
A river.

What has a nose and flies but can't smell?
What?
An airplane!

What has ears but cannot hear?
What?
A field of corn.

What has four legs but can't walk?
What?
A table!

What has more letters than the alphabet?
What?
The post office!

What has three letters and starts with gas?
What?
A Car.

What invention really got things rolling?
What?
The wheel.

What is a centipedes's favorite Beatle song?
What?
I want to hold your hand, hand, hand, hand.

What is a child who refuses to sleep during nap time guilty of?
What?
Resisting a rest.

What is a cow's favorite newspaper?
What?
The Daily Moos.

What is a kangaroo's favorite season?
What?
Spring!

What is a mouse's favorite sport?
Whay?
Mice hockey!

What is a sea monster's favorite snack?
What?
Ships and dip.

What is a snowman's favorite snack?
What?
Ice crispy treats.

What is a tornado's favorite game to play?
What?
Twister!

What is a vampire's favorite fruit?
What?
A blood orange.

What is a witch's favorite subject in school?
What?
Spelling!

What is Ant Man's most favorite party game?
What?
The sc-avenger hunt.

What is as big as a cow but weighs nothing?
What?
His shadow.

What is baby superman the most afraid of?
What?
His crib-tonyte.

What is Black Panther's most favorite day?
What?
It's Caturday.

What is bread's favorite number?
What?
Leaven.

What is Bruce Wayne's favorite baseball position?
What?
Bat boy.

What is Dr. Strange's cousin's name who can't do magic?
What?
He's Doctor Normal.

What is green and has wheels?
What?
Grass, I lied about the wheels.

What is it called when Bruce Wayne forgets to pay the electric bill?
What?
A dark night.

What is red and smells like blue paint?
What?
Red paint!

What is Spiderman's day job?
What?
He is a web designer.

What is Spiderman's favorite day?
What?
Flyday.

What is Superman's germophobic uncle's name?
What?
Pur-El.

What is the best way to approach a problem?
What?
From the try angle.

What is the best way to carve?
What?
Whittle by whittle.

What is the best way to get a cow to be quiet?
What?
Just press the moo-te button.

What is the Flash's favorite way of eating eggs?
What?
Runny.

What is the hardest part about sky diving?
What?
The ground.

What is the leading cause of dry skin?
What?
Towels.

What is the least spoken language in the world?
What?
Sign Language.

What is the most dangerous kind of body part?
What?
Mistletoes.

What is the most efficient way of counting all the X-men?
What?
Per-mutations.

What is the most magical grain in the world?
What?
Unicorn.

What is the name of the sassiest supervillain?
What?
It's Sassquatch!

What is the tallest building in the world?
What?
The library � it's got the most stories!

What is this movie about?
What?
It is about 2 hours long.

What is Thor's favorite food?
What?
It's Thor-tillas.

What is worse then finding a worm in your Apple?
What?
Finding half a worm in your Apple.

What kind of award did the dentist receive?
What?
A little plaque.

What kind of bagel can fly?
What?
A plain bagel.

What kind of car does a sheep like to drive?
What?
A lamborghini.

What kind of dinosaur loves to sleep?
What?
A stega-snore-us.

What kind of dog cheers at football games?
What?
A pom-Pomeranian!

What kind of dog lives in a particle accelerator?
What?
A Fermilabrador Retriever.

What kind of drink can be bitter and sweet?
What?
Reali-tea.

What kind of magic do cows believe in?
What?
MOODOO.

What kind of music do chiropractors like?
What?
Hip pop.

What kind of music do mummy's like?
What?
Rap.

What kind of music do planets listen to?
What?
Nep-tunes.

What kind of noise does a witch's vehicle make?
What?
Brrrroooom, brrroooom.

What kind of pants do ghosts wear?
What?
Boo jeans.

What kind of shark would never eat a woman?
What?
A man-eating shark!

What kind of shoes does a lazy person wear?
What?
Loafers.

What kind of shoes should someone wear while dissecting a frog?
What?
Open-toad!

What kind of tree fits in your hand?
What?
A palm tree!

What kinds of parties do trees have?
What?
Lumber parties!

What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
What?
A nervous wreck.

What lights up a soccer stadium?
What?
A soccer match.

What month of the year is Doc Ock's favorite?
What?
Ock-tober.

What musical instrument is found in the bathroom?
What?
A tuba toothpaste.

What rhymes with orange?
What?
No it doesn't.

What snack is superman's favorite?
What?
Sun chips.

What superhero gets hurt easily?
What?
Bruise Wayne.

What superhero travels by public transportation?
What?
Bus Lightyear.

What time did the man go to the dentist?
What?
Tooth hurt-y.

What time of the day is Magneto's favorite?
What?
Magnet-o'clock.

What type of music do balloons hate?
What?
Pop music!

What was a more important invention than the first telephone?
What?
The second one.

What was Bruce Wayne's position on his little-league team?
What?
Bruce was the bat-boy.

What was the name of Flash's car?
What?
A Flash Drive.

What was the name of the first Electricity Detective?
What?
Sherlock Ohms.

What was the pumpkin's favorite sport?
What?
Squash.

What was the spoiled rich kid's favorite class?
What?
Buy-ology!

What was Wolverine's job at the restaurant?
What?
It was shredding carrots.

What would be the name of Superman's dog?
What?
Lex Woofer!

What would happen if the Human Torch told you a joke?
What?
You'd get burned.

What would Luke Cage be called if he were a wizard?
What?
He'd be called Luke Mage.

What would Superman be called if he worked in a convenience store?
What?
Clerk Kent.

What would the Terminator be called in his retirement?
What?
The Exterminator.

What would Wolverine be called if he dressed up as Santa on Christmas?
What?
Santa Claws.

What would you call a superhero who has a poor sense of direction?
What?
She'd be called Wander Woman.

What would you call Batman and Robin if they get smashed by a steam roller?
What?
They'd be Flatman and Ribbon.

What would you call Bruce Banner if he didn't speak to anyone?
What?
The Incredible Sulk.

What would you call it if DC and Marvel made a crossover between The Incredible Hulk and The Flash?
What?
They should name it 'The Fast and the Furious'.

What would you call it if The Hulk, Captain America and Thor met at the Ikea?
What?
It'd be called 'The Avengers: Some Assembly Required'.

What would you call someone who's a computer superhero?
What?
They'd be called the Screen Saver.

What would you call Superman if he was involved in a bank robbery?
What?
He'd be called the Man of Steal.

What would you call the Flash if he lost 20lbs?
What?
Flashlight.

What would you get after combining a Transformer with Wonder Woman?
What?
Amazon Prime.

What would you get if you cross a flashlight and The Incredible Hulk?
What?
You'd get Green Lantern.

What would you get if you cross a superhero with an apple?
What?
Cider-Man.

What's a crafty dancer's favorite hobby?
What?
Cutting a rug.

What's a dragon's favorite part of school?
What?
Fire drills.

What's a mad scientist's favorite kind of dog?
What?
A lab!

What's a ninja's favorite type of shoes?
What?
Sneakers!

What's a Norse god's favourite video game?
What?
Thortnite.

What's a pig's best karate move?
What?
The pork chop!

What's an astronaut's favorite part of a computer?
What?
The space bar.

What's Batman's favorite drink?
What?
Vigilan-tea.

What's Batman's favorite fruit?
What?
Ba-na-na-na-na-na-na-na.

What's Batman's favorite kind of Chinese food?
What?
Kung Pow chicken.

What's Batman's favorite part of a joke?
What?
The punchline.

What's black and white and read all over?
What?
The newspaper.

What's blue and not very heavy?
What?
Light blue.

What's brown and sounds like a bell?
What?
Dung!

What's brown and sticky?
What?
A stick.

What's E.T. short for?
What?
He's only got little legs.

What's Forrest Gump's password?
What?
1forrest1

What's Irish and sits outside all day?
What?
Pati O'furniture

What's large, grey, and doesn't matter?
What?
An irrelephant.

What's orange and sounds like a parrot?
What?
A Carrot.

What's red and bad for your teeth?
What?
A Brick.

What's similar between ink and pigs?
What?
They both run out of the pen.

What's the best thing about Switzerland?
What?
I don't know, but the flag is a big plus.

What's the best thing to do when a bull is charging?
What?
Just pay him!

What's the best way to watch a fly fishing tournament?
What?
Live stream.

What's the coolest letter in the alphabet?
Which one?
B, because it's surrounded by A/C.

What's the difference between a $20 ring and a $200 ring?
What?
How bad you messed up.

What's the difference between a $20 steak and a $55 steak?
What?
February 14th.

What's the difference between a broken clock and the weatherman?
What?
A broken clock is right twice a day.

What's the difference between a cat and a comma?
What?
One has claws at the end of its paws, and the other is a pause at the end of a clause.

What's the difference between a criminal and Batman?
What?
Batman can go shopping without Robin.

What's the difference between a good idea and a bad idea?
What?
Your opinion.

What's the difference between a guitar and a fish?
What?
You can tune a guitar but you can't "tuna" fish!

What's the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?
What?
One is really heavy and the other is a little lighter.

What's the difference between a house and a mansion?
What?
$13 million.

What's the difference between a hungry pirate and a drunken pirate?
What?
One has a rumbling tummy, and the other's a tumbling rummy.

What's the difference between a man and a computer?
What?
You only have to tell a computer to do something once.

What's the difference between a poorly dressed man on a unicycle and a well-dressed man on a bicycle?
What?
Attire.

What's the difference between a rooster and a crow?
What?
A rooster can crow but a crow cannot rooster.

What's the difference between a scratch-and-sniff book and a witch's book?
What?
One is a book of smells; the other is a book of spells.

What's the difference between a seal and a sea lion?
What?
An ion!

What's the difference between Aluminum Man and Iron Man?
What?
While Iron Man stops the villains, Aluminum Man foils their plans.

What's the difference between an African elephant and an Indian elephant?
What?
About 5000 miles.

What's the difference between an alligator and a crocodile?
What?
You'll see one later and one in a while.

What's the difference between Ben Franklin and a duck?
What?
One has his face on a bill; the other has a bill on its face.

What's the difference between Geology and Geography?
What?
Geology rocks, but Geography is where it's at!

What's the difference between humans and frogs?
What?
Humans croak once, but frogs croak all the time.

What's the difference between ice cream and your advice?
What?
I asked for the ice cream.

What's the difference between ignorance and apathy?
What?
I don't know and I don't care.

What's the difference between love and marriage?
What?
Love is blind and marriage is an eye-opener.

What's the difference between Magneto and a suitcase?
What?
Magneto has only one outfit.

What's the difference between mitosis and escaping prison?
What?
Nothing; they both require splitting from cells.

What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
What?
Anyone can roast beef, but nobody can pee soup.

What's the difference between Superman and Spiderman?
What?
While Peter Parker can shoot webs, Clark Kent.

What's the difference between the bird flu and the swine flu?
What?
One requires tweetment and the other an oinkment.

What's the difference between the first three letters of the alphabet and a rare blood type?
What?
One is ABC; the other is AB, see?

What's the difference between the Grinch and a liar?
What?
One lives on a fictional mountain and the other lives on mountains of fiction.

What's The Hulk's most favorite restaurant?
What?
The Smash Burger.

What's the longest word in the dictionary?
What?
Smiles. Because there's a mile between the two S's.

What's the most confusing superhero movie?
What?
The Invisible Man. It's very hard to follow.

What's the most detail-oriented ocean?
What?
The Pacific.

What's the name of a very polite, European body of water?
What?
Merci.

What's the name of Lokis more grand and pompous brother?
What?
Highki

What's the name of the currency that Superman can't handle?
What?
Kryptocurrency.

What's the name of the superhero who always hits the target with chalk?
What?
It's Chawkeye.

What's the worst part about being a cross-eyed teacher?
What?
They can't control their pupils.

What's the worst thing about ancient history class?
What?
The teachers tend to Babylon.

When Captain America was younger, what did people call him?
What?
They called him Lieutenant America.

When do doctors get angry?
When?
When they run out of patients.

When does a joke become a dad joke?
When?
When it becomes apparent.

When I left school, I passed every one of my exams with the exception of Greek Mythology. It always was my achilles elbow.
It always was my achilles elbow.

When is a door not a door?
When?
When it's ajar.

When my wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo.
Ok?
I had to put my foot down.

When people are sad, I sometimes let them color in my tattoos. Sometimes all they need is a shoulder to crayon.
Sometimes all they need is a shoulder to crayon.

When the nurse told the doctor that the invisible man came to see him, what did the doctor say?
When?
He said, "Let him know that I can't see him".

When will the little snake arrive?
When?
I don't know but he won't be long.

When you cross a smurf with a cow, what do you get?
When?
Blue cheese.

Where are the Great Plains located?
Where?
At the great airports!

Where did Captain Hook get his hook?
Where?
From a second hand store.

Where did you learn to make ice cream?
Where?
Sundae school.

Where do animals go when their tails fall off?
Where?
The retail store.

Where do Batman's fish live?
Where?
In the bat tub.

Where do bees go to the bathroom?
Where?
The BP station.

Where do boats go when they're sick?
Where?
To the boat doc.

Where do cats write notes?
Where?
Scratch Paper!

Where do cows stay when they're on vacation?
Where?
At a moo-tel.

Where do fish keep their money?
Where?
In the riverbank.

Where do fruits go on vacation?
Where?
Pear-is!

Where do hamburgers go to dance?
Where?
The meat-ball.

Where do owls go to buy their baby clothes?
Where?
The owlet malls.

Where do rabbits go after they get married?
Where?
On a bunny-moon.

Where do sheep go to get their hair cut?
Where?
The baa-baa shop.

Where do you find flying rabbits?
Where?
The Hare Force.

Where do you learn to make a banana split?
Where?
Sundae school.

Where do you put a noisy dog?
Where?
In a barking lot.

Where do you take someone who has been injured in a peek-a-boo accident?
Where?
To the ICU!

Where do young cows eat lunch?
Where?
In the calf-ateria.

Where do young trees go to learn?
Where?
Elementree school.

Where does a mountain climber keep his plane?
Where?
In a cliffhanger.

Where does a superhero usually go for shopping?
Where?
They go to the Supermarket.

Where does astronauts hangout after work?
Where?
At the spacebar.

Where does batman go to the bathroom?
Where?
The batroom.

Where does Batman go when he wants to pee?
Where?
The batroom.

Where does Fonzie like to go for lunch?
Where?
Chick-Fil-Eyyyyyyyy.

Where does Green Lantern get tomatoes from?
Where?
He gets them from a Greenhouse.

Where does Napoleon keep his armies?
Where?
In his sleevies.

Where does Superman like to go on holidays?
Where?
Cape town!

Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?
Where?
At the bottom!

Where would you find a cow who's having a really bad day?
Where?
At McDonalds.

Where would you find a cow with no legs?
Where?
Right where you left it.

Where's Spider-Man's home page?
Where?
It's on the web.

Which animal wears a coat all winter and pants in the summer?
Which one?
A dog.

Which animal writes the best?
Which one?
A pen-guin.

Which bear is the most condescending?
Which one?
A pan-duh!

Which flower is most fierce?
Which?
Dandelion.

Which is the fastest growing city in the world?
Which?
Dublin'

Which is the most curious superhero?
Which one?
Wonder Woman.

Which of Santa's reindeer are dinosaurs afraid of?
Which one?
Comet!

Which rock group has four guys who don't sing?
Which one?
Mount Rushmore.

Which side of the chicken has more feathers?
Which?
The outside.

Which snake likes baked desserts?
Which one?
The pie-thon!

Which state has the most streets?
Which one?
Rhode Island.

Which superhero has the most number of home runs?
Which one?
Batman.

Which superhero has the neatest clothes?
Which one?
The Iron-ing Man.

Which superhero is not very nice?
Which one?
The Mean lantern.

Which superhero is the brightest?
Which one?
It's the Flash!

Which superhero is the one that delivers morning papers?
Which one?
The newspaperman!

Which superhero likes spending a lot of time in the sun?
Which one?
Cap-tan America.

Which superhero loves having hot chicken broth?
Which one?
It's Souperman!

Which superhero visits the dentist the most?
Which one?
The Plaque Panther.

Which superhero would win a singing competition?
Which one?
The Captain American Idol.

Who always watches over Thor?
Who?
Thor's Asgardian angel.

Who did the wizard marry?
Who?
His ghoul-friend.

Who do mermaids date?
Who?
They go out with the tide!

Who is a penguin's favorite relative?
Who?
Aunt Arctica!

Who is the coolest doctor in the hospital?
Who?
The hip doctor!

Who was the roundest knight at King Arthur's round table?
Who?
It was circumference.

Who's a chicken's favorite composer?
Who?
Bach.

Who's the smartest pig in the world?
Who?
Albert Einswine.

Why are basketball players messy eaters?
Why?/
Because they are always dribbling.

Why are cows such great dancers?
Why?
They have all the best moooves!

Why are dinosaurs healthier that dragons?
Why?
Because they don't smoke!

Why are elevator jokes so classic and good?
Why?
They work on many levels.

Why are fish easy to weigh?
Why?
Because they have their own scales.

Why are fish so smart?
Why?
Because they live in schools!

Why are ghosts bad liars?
Why?
Because you can see right through them!

Why are giraffes so slow to apologize?
Why?
Because it takes them a long time to swallow their pride.

Why are graveyards so noisy?
Why?
Because of all the coffin.

Why are grizzlies so light on their feet?
Why?
They only carry the bear necessities.

Why are mummys scared of vacation?
Why?
They're afraid to unwind.

Why are oranges the smartest fruit?
Why?
Because they are made to concentrate.

Why are people who don't eat gluten rebels?
Why?
The are always going against the grain.

Why are piggy banks so wise?
Why?
They're filled with common cents.

Why are pigs bad drivers?
Why?
They hog the road!

Why are pirates called pirates?
Why?
Because they arrr!

Why are skeletons so calm?
Why?
Because nothing gets under their skin.

Why are snake races so exciting?
Why?
They're always neck and neck.

Why can you never trust atoms?
Why?
They make up everything!

Why can't Batman go fishing?
Why?
Robin always eats the worms.

Why can't Batman play chess using the white pieces?
Why?
Because Batman always prefers to play in the dark.

Why can't Bruce Wayne get a second date?
Why?
He has bat breath.

Why can't eggs have love?
Why?
They will break up too soon.

Why can't leopards ever escape from the zoo?
Why?
Because they are always spotted.

Why can't Magneto wear purple anymore?
Why?
Because days of fuchsia passed.

Why can't you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom?
Why?
The p is silent.

Why can't you use "Beef stew" as a password?
Why?
Because it's not stroganoff.

Why can't your nose be 12 inches long?
Why?
Because then it'd be a foot!

Why cant anyone find Loki?
Why?
Because he is low-key.

Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself?
Why?
It was two tired.

Why couldn't the kid see the pirate movie?
Why?
Because it was rated arrr!

Why couldn't the lifeguard save the hippie?
Why?
He was too far out, man.

Why couldn't Wolverine make an agreement with anyone?
Why?
Because of Wolverine's retractable clause.

Why couldn't Wolverine use a computer?
Why?
Because he was having trouble Logan in.

Why did a man driving a train got struck by lightning?
Why?
He was a good conductor.

Why did Alfred open his umbrella at Batman's family reunion?
Why?
Because it was a Wayne-y day.

Why did Billy get fired from the banana factory?
Why?
He kept throwing away the bent ones.

Why did Bruce's dentist recommend him mouthwash?
Why?
Because Bruce had bat breath.

Why did cheese man become a superhero?
Why?
He did it for the grater good.

Why did Dracula lie in the wrong coffin?
Why?
He made a grave mistake.

Why did everyone's pictures come out dark at Batman's party?
Why?
Because he didn't invite the Flash.

Why did Loki throw a temper tantrum when he couldn't find his brother during a game of hide and seek?
Why?
Because he was a Thor loser.

Why did Mozart kill all his chickens?
Why?
Because when he asked them who the best composer was, they'd all say "Bach bach bach!"

Why did Mrs. Batman name their son Gotham?
Why?
Because Batman always answers to "Gotham needs you."

Why did Sweden start painting barcodes on the sides of their battleships?
Why?
So they could Scandinavian.

Why did the A go to the bathroom and come out as an E?
Why?
Because he had a vowel movement.

Why did the airplane get sent to his room?
Why?
Bad altitude.

Why did the bakery hire so many apples?
Why?
There was a lot of turnover!

Why did the banana go to the doctor?
Why?
It wasn't peeling well.

Why did the banana have dinner with the prune?
Why?
Because he couldn't find a real date!

Why did the baseball catcher spend a night at the field?
Why?
Because he felt right at home.

Why did the bedding hide their relationship?
Why?
They just wanted something pillow-key!

Why did the belt go to prison?
Why?
He held up a pair of pants!

Why did the burglar hang his mugshot on the wall?
Why?
To prove that he was framed!

Why did the chicken cross the road?
Why?
To knock-knock on the door, walk into the bar, and change the lightbulb.

Why did the chicken get a penalty?
Why?
For fowl play.

Why did the clown cross the road?
Why?
To retrieve his rubber chicken.

Why did the clown have neck pain?
Why?
Because he slept funny.

Why did the Clydesdale give the pony a glass of water?
Why?
Because he was a little horse.

Why did the coach go to the bank?
Why?
To get his quarterback.

Why did the coffee file a police report?
Why?
It got mugged.

Why did the cookie cry?
Why?
Because his mother was a wafer so long.

Why did the cookie cry?
Why?
It was feeling crumby.

Why did the cowboy have a dachshund?
Why?
Somebody told him to get a long little doggy.

Why did the elephant leave the circus?
Why?
He didn't like working for peanuts.

Why did the feline fail the lie detector test?
Why?
Because he is lion.

Why did the fireman wear red, white, and blue suspenders?
Why?
To hold his pants up.

Why did the fish blush?
Why?
Because it saw the ocean's bottom!

Why did the fish cross the ocean?
Why?
To get to the other tide.

Why did the girl smear peanut butter on the road?
Why?
To go with the traffic jam.

Why did the gum cross the road?
Why?
It was stuck to the chicken's foot.

Why did the house go to the doctor?
Why?
It was having window panes.

Why did the kid cross the playground?
Why?
To get to the other slide.

Why did the kid throw the clock out the window?
Why?
He wanted to see time fly!

Why did the knife dress up in a suit?
Why?
Because it wanted to look sharp.

Why did the lumberjack get a computer?
Why?
So they could log on!

Why did the M&M go to school?
Why?
Because it wanted to be a Smartie!

Why did the man fall down the well?
Why?
Because he couldn't see that well.

Why did the man put his money in the freezer?
Why?
He wanted cold hard cash!

Why did the man run around his bed?
Why?
Because he was trying to catch up on his sleep!

Why did the miner get fired from his job?
Why?
He took it for granite.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight?
Why?
Because it was well armed.

Why did the opera singer go sailing?
Why?
They wanted to hit the high Cs.

Why did the PowerPoint presentation cross the road?
Why?
To get to the other slide.

Why did the scarecrow win an award?
Why?
Because he was outstanding in his field.

Why did the sentence fail the driving test?
Why?
It never came to a full stop.

Why did the strawberry cross the road?
Why?
There was a traffic jam!

Why did the strawberry go out with the banana?
Why?
Because it couldn't find a date.

Why did the superhero fail the written test?
Why?
Because he has a habit of writing wrongs.

Why did the teddy bear say "no" to dessert?
Why?
Because it was stuffed.

Why did the three pigs run away from home?
Why?
Their father was a boar!

Why did the tomato blush?
Why?
Because it saw the salad dressing.

Why did the tree go to the dentist?
Why?
It needed a root canal.

Why did the Vikings not have high doorknobs?
Why?
Because of Loki.

Why did the worker get fired from the orange juice factory?
Why?
Lack of concentration.

Why did they ban Hulk from the Honda dealership?
Why?
Because he threw a Fit.

Why did Thor avoid his brother?
Why?
Because he Odin money.

Why didn't Iron Man like his new assistant?
Why?
Because he wasn't Happy.

Why didn't marvel put advertisements on Hulk?
Why?
Well, he's essentially the giant banner.

Why didn't the number 4 get into the nightclub?
Why?
Because he is 2 square.

Why didn't the orange win the race?
Why?
It ran out of juice.

Why didn't the piano work?
Why?
It only knew how to play!

Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?
Why?
Because he didn't have the guts.

Why do bananas have to put on sunscreen before they go to the beach?
Why?
Because they might peel!

Why do bears have hairy coats?
Why?
Fur protection.

Why do bees have sticky hair?
Why?
Because they use a honeycomb.

Why do birds fly south for the winter?
Why?
Because it's too far to walk.

Why do choirs keep buckets handy?
Why?
So they can carry their tune.

Why do cows wear bells?
Why?
Because their horns don't work.

Why do crabs never give to charity?
Why?
Because they're shellfish.

Why do ducks make great detectives?
Why?
They always quack the case.

Why do fathers take an extra pair of socks when they go golfing?
Why?
In case they get a hole in one!

Why do fish live in salt water?
Why?
Because pepper makes them sneeze!

Why do frogs play baseball?
Why?
To catch the pop flies!

Why do mathematicians hate the U.S.?
Why?
Because it's indivisible.

Why do melons have weddings?
Why?
Because they cantaloupe.

Why do pirates have a longer alphabet than we do?
Why?
Because they have seven C's!

Why do pirates not know the alphabet?
Why?
They always get stuck at "C".

Why do pumpkins sit on people's porches?
Why?
They have no hands to knock on the door.

Why do scuba divers fall backwards into the water?
Why?
Because if they fell forwards they'd still be in the boat.

Why do seagulls fly over the ocean?
Why?
Because if they flew over the bay, we'd call them bagels.

Why do some couples go to the gym?
Why?
Because they want their relationship to work out.

Why do tigers have stripes?
Why?
So they aren't spotted.

Why do valley girls hang out in odd numbered groups?
Why?
Because they can't even.

Why do we tell actors to break a leg?
Why?
Every play needs a cast.

Why do wizards clean their teeth three times a day?
Why?
To prevent bat breath!

Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?
Why?
Because they're so good at it.

Why does a chicken coop only have two doors?
Why?
Because if it had four doors it would be a chicken sedan.

Why does a Moon-rock taste better than an Earth-rock?
Why?
Because it's a little meteor.

Why does Batman hate camping?
Why?
Poison Ivy.

Why does Batman suck at card games?
Why?
He always gets The Joker.

Why does everyone invite Superman the most to dinners?
Why?
It's because he's a supperhero.

Why does Han Solo like gum?
Why?
It's chewy!

Why does it take longer to get from 1st to 2nd base, than it does to get from 2nd to 3rd base?
Why?
Because there's a Shortstop in between!

Why does Norway have barcodes on their battleships?
Why?
So when they get back to port, they can Scandinavian.

Why does Waldo only wear stripes?
Why
Because he doesn't want to be spotted.

Why doesn't Ant Man like to play video games?
Why?
Because he lost to Ultron way too many times.

Why doesn't Superman like to go out after it gets dark?
Why?
That's because he's afraid of the krypto-night.

Why doesn't the Chimney-Sweep call out sick from work?
Why?
Because he's used to working with a flue.

Why don't bad actors go fishing?
Why?
They're always forgetting their lines!

Why don't cows have toes?
Why?
Because they lactose!

Why don't ducks tell jokes while they're flying?
Why?
Because they quack up.

Why don't eggs tell jokes?
Why?
They'd crack each other up.

Why don't masseuses like to talk about their work?
Why?
It's a touchy subject.

Why don't pirates take a shower before they walk the plank?
Why?
They just wash up on shore.

Why don't sharks eat clowns?
Why?
Because they taste funny.

Why don't skeletons ever go trick or treating?
Why?
Because they have nobody to go with.

Why don't skeletons ride roller coasters?
Why?
They don't have the stomach for it.

Why don't X-men let Colossus take part in their talent shows?
Why?
He has the habit of steeling the show.

Why don't you ever see elephants hiding in trees?
Why?
Because they're so good at it.

Why don't you find hippopotamuses hiding in trees?
Why?
They're really good at it.

Why is Batman so good at hitting home runs?
Why?
He has a batting cage.

Why is Batman so serious?
Why?
Because he isn't the Joker.

Why is cold water so insecure?
Why?
Because it's never called hot.

Why is Iron Man stronger than Batman?
Why?
It's because Iron Man doesn't Bruce easily.

Why is it a bad idea to iron your four-leaf clover?
Why?
Cause you shouldn't press your luck.

Why is it always hot in the corner of a room?
Why?
Because a corner is 90 degrees.

Why is it so windy inside an arena?
Why?
All the fans.

Why is it that Mr. Freeze doesn't have any friends?
Why?
Because he gives everyone cold shoulders.

Why is leather is great for sneaking around?
Why?
Because it's made of hide.

Why is no one friends with Dracula?
Why?
Because he's a pain in the neck.

Why is Peter Pan always flying?
Why?
He neverlands.

Why is Spiderman a really good baseball player?
Why?
Because he's the best at catching flies.

Why is the new Kindle screen textured to look like paper?
Why?
So you feel write at home.

Why is the ocean always blue?
Why?
Because the shore never waves back.

Why is there always a gate around cemeteries?
Why?
Because people are always dying to get in.

Why is Thor's brother so quiet?
Why?
He's just low key?

Why should Spiderman join the swim team?
Why?
He has webbed feet.

Why should you never trust a pig with a secret?
Why?
Because it's bound to squeal.

Why shouldn't you write with a broken pencil?
Why?
Because it's pointless.

Why was Cyclops put in charge of the X-Men?
Why?
Professor X made him the supervisor.

Why was it called the dark ages?
Why?
Because of all the knights.

Why was it so hot at the football game?
Why?
Because there were no fans at the stadium.

Why was Nightcrawler hired by Abercrombie?
Why?
Because he always looks good in blue genes.

Why was Pavlov's beard so soft?
Why?
Because he conditioned it.

Why was Santa's little helper feeling depressed?
Why?
Because he has low elf esteem.

Why was Superman the only child at the swimming pool?
Why?
Because the sign outside said supervision required.

Why was ten scared of seven?
Why?
Because seven ate nine.

Why was the apple so lonely?
Why?
Because the banana split.

Why was the big cat disqualified from the race?
Why?
Because it was a cheetah.

Why was the broom late for the meeting?
Why?
He overswept.

Why was the color green notoriously single?
Why?
It was always so jaded.

Why was the droid angry?
Why?
People kept pushing its buttons.

Why was the picture sent to prison?
Why?
It was framed.

Why was the robot angry?
Why?
Because someone kept pressing his buttons!

Why was the shirt happy to hang around the tank top?
Why?
Because it was armless.

Why was the strawberry sad?
Why?
Its parents were in a jam.

Why wasn't Thor able to find his brother?
Why?
It's because he couldn't Lokite him.

Why were there only 18 letters in the alphabet?
Why?
Because E.T. flew off in a UFO, and the CIA chased after him!

Why would a pig dressed in black never get bullied?
Why?
Because Batman has sworn to protect goth ham.

Wife told me to take the spider out instead of killing it.
...
We had some drinks, cool guy, wants to be a web developer.

Yesterday a clown held a door open for me.
Yeah?
I thought it was a nice jester.

Yesterday I confused the words "jacuzzi" and "yakuza".
Oh?
Now I'm in hot water with the Japanese mafia.

You can't run through a camp site.
Why?
You can only ran, because it's past tents.

You can't trust a ladder.
Why?
It will always let you down.

You know that cemetery up the road?
Yeah?
People are dying to get in there.

You know what really makes my day?
What?
The rotation of the earth.

You might think Batman was born in Gotham, but he was actually born in South Africa.
?
Capetown, to be exact.

You will never guess what Elsa did to the balloon.
What?
She let it go.

You're American when you go into a bathroom and when you come out, but what are you while you're in the bathroom?
What?
European.